|
Post by merry on Aug 5, 2005 15:17:40 GMT -5
beth about your story, it sounds like a prologue, if that's what you intended then its very good. but if you want it for a more middle part it need more details, like n a m e s and such. so there's my opinion.
|
|
|
Post by merry on Aug 5, 2005 15:40:29 GMT -5
ok about my story the old version on my computer is gone but i'm working on a rewrite (i was going to redo it any way). If you want Jo could stick the version she has then I could see what I need to keep from it. Or once I get a good start on the new one I could post that, so what ever, just tell me which.
|
|
|
Post by Locked Out on Aug 6, 2005 10:23:43 GMT -5
How bout I just email what I have back to you, Nynn, that way you have a reference point. It helps when writing. And hey, Maddie, is it possible to just put ideas or concepts out, not necessarily a story, and get feedback here? Or would you rather us not do that? Or could we put it on a different thread? Or not at all?
Beth- as Maddie said, new paragraph is much better, but like Lynn said, still vague-ish unless it's part of a prologue.
|
|
|
Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 6, 2005 18:28:43 GMT -5
I think that ideas should go in a different thread. That's my vote!
|
|
|
Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 6, 2005 19:51:31 GMT -5
Ashlea noticed as Fred aproached the table of friends and sat down next to her. They were in an empty classroom after school, like they met everyday. Ashlea had always had a secret crush on Fred, but she had never told him for fear of ruining their friendship. "Whoo, it smells like wet iguana in here," he said wrinkling his nose in a teasing way, "did someone forget their deoderant?" Ashlea flushed bright red at this comment, he had no idea. He noticed her discomfort as all of their friends choroused "no" to his joke. "What's wrong Ash, dragon got your tongue." She dr o ped t her head, she might as well tell them now, it was getting very hard to hide it, and she would have to leave them soon anyway. "I don't need deoderant." she mumbled. "What?" All of her friends looked at her, confused. "I don't need deoderant," she repeated and looked up. "Ash, everyone who is 16 needs deoderant." Fred looked at her like she was crazy. "I don't sweat." Ashlea said factually. "Dude," Marvin her black friend who was currently sitting across the table said, "All mammals sweat." "I'm not a mammal," Ashlea said miserably, "at least, not any more." All her friends stared at her blankly. "Ash, what do you mean, you're human just like all of us" Sarah said. "No, I'm not." They continued to stare at her. Ashlea sighed. "I guess I'll have to show you." "Show us what?" Fred asked. "This" Ashlea reached down and pulled off her shirt. All of her friends gasped at what they saw. Instead of a bare human torso with pink flesh and a bra, they say a human shaped torso covered in scales the same sandy color of her hair. "I'm a dragonling." Sarah fainted.
|
|
|
Post by Locked Out on Aug 6, 2005 22:50:33 GMT -5
LOL I like it! *something between a laugh and a giggle* Dragonling, huh? Interesting. Really, I can't give any constructive critism cause there's nothing to be improved upon. It's very good. Why does she smell? LOL Sorry, I know that's not exactly feedback, but it's late and everything seems hilariously funny and it would be funny during the day too, though not overly so. *shakes head* Oookay. I need to hit the showers ( I smell about like your character) and then need to go to bed. If I'm finding things this funny as early as 10:49, then I must be more tired than I thought. Most of the time I'm up much later before getting like this. Sorry. It really is good, and I can't find fault with anything and don't have and suggestions, except for keep up the good work. As I said before, IIIIIIIII like it!
|
|
|
Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 7, 2005 13:37:28 GMT -5
She's begining to smell like a dragon. That's why she smells.
|
|
|
Post by merry on Aug 7, 2005 15:14:51 GMT -5
i liked it to. very good. and jo if you would email my story to me that would be great!
|
|
|
Post by Locked Out on Aug 7, 2005 15:36:48 GMT -5
Merry, you'll get your story tomorrow. I have just enough time to post here and check out the other threads before we leave. But you shall have it bright and early tomorrow. Where were you this morning, by the way? I never did see you.
|
|
|
Post by merry on Aug 8, 2005 20:04:44 GMT -5
we were traviling the night before till 2:30 we wern't in bed till after 3:00 so we over slept.
|
|
|
Post by Frodo on Aug 9, 2005 18:28:54 GMT -5
Yes - new ideas for stories should go in separete thread. I don't feel like starting it, so somebody can go ahead with that.
Dragonling story is funny, and surprising! I REALLY like it. You should continue with it, that portion being the foreward or something. And then you keep going with the tale of a teenager becoming a dragon, and facing the opposition of friends and school. That would be awesome. I don't know - I like it, and I'd love to see if you do anything with it.
|
|
|
Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 9, 2005 20:58:26 GMT -5
I will, someday.... After I finish Jainis' trilogy.
|
|
|
Post by Locked Out on Aug 9, 2005 21:59:41 GMT -5
So that's where you got the character so fast. I was wondering.
|
|
|
Post by Frodo on Aug 10, 2005 13:27:33 GMT -5
The nobles spun in whirls of color and the hiss of rich fabrics, all the while laughing and twisting their wrists with the gleaming bells, who, crying out over and over in the same shrill eager tone reminded one of a bird wheeling overhead proclaiming the freedom of his wings. I pressed myself against the chiseled marble pillar drawing the mask over my eyes; if my face were to be seen and recognized t’would surely be the death of me; I was in my foe’s hands now, yet it mattered not, for what truly mattered when your heart was set aflame in the blaze of passionate love? The music was smooth and rich, harmonizing the blushes of emotions and expressions close at hand glowing from the sconces set upon the halls, singing merry and warm. I was still concealed within the shadows, afeared of the tactless moment to spring, for if I were to reveal in the awkward time, the rest of the evening may not go as wished-for. But there! I saw her face, pale and fair as the moon, but as clear and light as the sun, now vanishing between the summer night clouds, dimming the comparison. I clasped my guise, and hid in the dark farther still; it would not do to have her see me now. I must master myself first, before I was to meet with her. The very thought of touching the saint made my heart throb in my breast, every drum a plea to see her once more. At length I entered the heat and light, that I might join the circle of dancers to be near her. An instant later, and she and I had clasped hands, in the holy palmer"s kiss; I found myself looking into the two most beautiful stars of heaven - her clear eyes, those eyes belonging to the girl, nay, woman - Julietta Capulet.
|
|
|
Post by Frodo on Aug 10, 2005 13:29:47 GMT -5
So writes Romeo.
|
|