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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 10, 2005 19:46:55 GMT -5
Wow, VERY well done!!! I like ALL of it! Masterful!! I can't find any mistakes.
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 10, 2005 19:50:54 GMT -5
And yes, that's how I came up with the character so fast . Although, the Jainis you know is slightly different then the one she is now. Her story didn't figure itself out and fall into place until a few months ago.
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Post by Locked Out on Aug 10, 2005 21:40:54 GMT -5
I realize that. *chuckles* Sorry, but in a way it could be said she's almost a split personality. One half in the story she came from, and the other stuck in r-play.
Maddie, I've seen it before. You showed it to me sometime past winter, or early spring it seems like. But it's still very good, just like it was then.
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Post by merry on Aug 11, 2005 13:48:27 GMT -5
yes it's very good.
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Post by merry on Aug 11, 2005 13:51:44 GMT -5
Also I'm still working on Dray. For those of you who have read the previous version I'm starting it different. and Jo you never sent the story to me... ;D
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 11, 2005 14:21:59 GMT -5
Fantabulous!
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 11, 2005 14:22:19 GMT -5
I wish that I had that much time on my hands.
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 13, 2005 14:22:34 GMT -5
Hey, I have something that I would like your opinions on...
"Rhian! I'm going to take my basket back to the nest!" my sister called from the tree next to mine. "Okay! I'll be there in a moment!" I called back. There was one fruit left in the tree, it was high up on a branch just barely out of my reach, and all the branches above the one I was on could not support my weight. I wrapped my tail around the branch I was standing on and began to inch my way along the branch. It began to droop under my weight, with my feet placed one in front of the other, I started to do the splits, trying to get close enough to reach out, my tail was stretched out as far as it could go. I reached, but the fruit was still a few inches away. I stretched some more, the fruit was still to far away. I grunted with all the effort. I grabbed the branch above me for extra support and stretched as far as I could go, practically standing on tip-toe, my fingers brushed it. I began to sway, bobbing the branch up and down, the fruit began to swing, and at last I had it. Smiling triumphantly I placed it in th basket hanging around my neck. I began to relax and inch my way back to the safety near the tree trunk. I barely had regained my full ballance in my precarious position when suddenly pain lanced through my tail, instinctivly I let go and yanked it towards me, throwing myself off balance. I looked back as I swung my arms in circles, trying to stay upright as the branch I was on dipped drastically. I feared to see a tree wolf, but there was none. There was an arrow in my tail. As the realization dawned on me, my skin instantly changed to try and blend in with my surroundings better, I had already been a leafy green, but now streaks of tree bark brown branched throughout my skin. But it was too late, another arrow found its way into my thigh, pain exploded in it. I bellowed in pain, but my ballance was completely lost now, and I plummeted to the ground. I hated the ground. It was were terrible beasts lived, and the Terrans. Before I could get up and run a net covered me and pressed me to the ground. I heard voices, Terran voices. "We got one!" "It's a beaut!" "The King will like this one!" "She'll make a beautiful dancer." "Quick! Tie it up!" I stuggled, but knives and swords were suddenly pointed at my neck and stomach. My wrists were pulled through the net and tied together, a pole between them. The same with my feet, although how they got my feet trough the holes I do not know. I think I heard them cut the net to make holes large enough. After they did that they hoisted the pole onto their shoulders, then wrapped the net around me tightly so that I couldn't move. The arrows were yanked from my tail and leg, I moaned in pain, they laughed. For a day and I night I hung from the pole, held up by 2 of the men. I tried to struggle, but the ropes and net were tied to tight. My wrists and ankles were very swollen and painful by the time we reached our destination. I was uncerimoniously dumped in a room, cut from my bonds, and left alone, locked in. I lay there for a long time, my body throbbing in pain. I was starving, they hadn't fed me since my capture. Then I remembered the fruit, I still had it with me. It was a little squashed, but it was still tasty. I ate 1/4 of the basket, then hid it under some blankets that were in a corner. I noticed a bucket full of water in another corner. I took a drink, then washed my injuries. I was exausted, I collapsed on some blankets and slept.
I do not know how long I slept, the room I was kept in was windowless. All I know is that I was woken by a knocking on my door. It opened and revealed a female Terran. She bustled in, closing the door behind her. "Ahh, you're awake! Good. I'm Mistress Kelly. I'm to be your steward until you can be given to the King. What's your name?" She demanded. "I'm Rhian.... what do you mean, "given to the King," I'm a free Nagashi! I am not a slave!" I was beginning to be scared. "Oh nonsense. All nagashi are slaves, it just depends on if you are called to service! And you have been. You're one of the luckier ones, to be chosen to serve the King!" She snatched up my wrist and looked at it, muttering to herself as she prodded it. I winced in pain. "It's healing nicely, what about the rest?" One by one she inspected my injuries. Each time she approved of how they were doing. She stood up and brushed off her skirts. "Now, you will come with me. I'm going to take you to your quarters." I snatched up my basket from its hiding place and followed Mistress Kelly. We reached a room with slave bunks in it. "That bunk is yours," Kelly pointed, "you can keep your stuff either in the sling under it or on the shelf next to it. Now if you'll come with me.." I quickly stashed my basket in the sling under my bunk, I had a bottom one, and followed Kelly again to another room, where I was mesured and given my slave uniform. I was also taken to another room, where before I could do anything, I was strapped down and they began to tattoo me. I squirmed and protested so much to the pain and indignation of it that they had to knock me out before they could continue. When I came out of it I discovered that my head tentacles had all been artfully tattooed. As I looked in the mirror in the dorm, twitching my tentacles to and fro to see all of the damage, I began to cry. Now I could never go home, I had been defiled. For a week I was taken to the tattoo room, where my arms up to my elbows, legs up to my knees, and tail were covered in artful slave tattoos. To the humans they might look beautiful, but to the Nagashi they were a death sentence. Tattoos ruin our perfect cameofloge that our skin creates. I was also trainied in the art of dancing for entertaining purposes. I was a fast learner, dancing was a natural thing to Nagashi. Soon I was given my dancing clothes, a small vest and a skirt, and taken before the king. he was pleased with me and I have danced for him ever since. I am his favorite slave. He now takes me with him where ever he might go, and has me near him always. I sit next to his throne and he pets me like an animal, treats me like a pet. I resent it, but I cannot escape, and I have no where to go. The King is kind, for a Terran, and I am probably better off here in the castle, surrounded by suffocating stone walls, where no animals could get in. But these facts do not make me feel any better. I am not allowed to speak because I am a slave. I am not allowed to read, not that I could in the first place. Nagashi brains are big, but a lot of it is used to control our color changing skin. We are intelligent, but not as intelligent as the Terrans. I wear ribbons in my tentacles, and jewels on my body. I wear a golden colar, with a slender gold chain leash attatched to the King's bracelet. I am his slave and his only, I am no longer even allowed to associate with the other slaves. I sleep in his chamber at the foot of his bed, luckily the King is old and his wife is dead. I must obey his every whim. I am his toy, and I do not like it. I have tried to think of ways to escape and go home, but my mind is not capable of figureing out a way that is not simple and could easily be stopped. And anyway, I would never be accepted back home anymore. I am lonely, I am losing my mind with it's lack of use. I am becoming the animal that the King treats me as, I do not like it.
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 13, 2005 14:24:54 GMT -5
I'm doing an RPG with my Writer's club group, and this is my character... the starting post too I'm not exactly sure where it's going to go, or if it is going to work out... I just hope she gets out of slavery quickly..... I don't want to have to write what it's like to be a slave... it could get nasty....
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Post by Frodo on Aug 13, 2005 18:15:24 GMT -5
Its very interesting! It has a few mistakes here and there, like run-on sentances and misspellings, but its not too bad. If you run it through spell check it'll probably pick it all up.
I like the character alot. Is she a grek? Like Fafmimbaki? Or something else? (and yes, I hope you find a way for her to get out of there. I can kinda guess at what could come to her. Poor Rhian!)
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 13, 2005 19:50:20 GMT -5
She's a Nagashi, I drew one last night. As soon as I can I'll upload the picture onto Elfwood. That's about 7 days away, I currently have 20 drawings pending, hopefully they'll be up soon. Her name means "magic maiden." And I think that the run on sentences and grammar mistakes fit in with her character, although I didnt' mean to put them in... they're pure mistakes, but like she said, Nagashi have large brains, but most of it is used to control the color cells in their skin. So they're not quite as smart as humans, and they can't read. It's difficult enough for them to learn more than one language! Sometimes they can't even manage to learn one! but yeah.... Comments anyone else?
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Post by Locked Out on Aug 14, 2005 11:51:19 GMT -5
It's very interesting, and (as all of your stories seem to be) very original. It's great! *cracks a sheepish grin* I hope you get Rhian out of there before she goes mad. Being a slave won't be pleasant for her, or anybody. Especially if she's the king's favorite.
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Post by Frodo on Aug 16, 2005 18:42:01 GMT -5
I'll wait to see what Lynnettee-poo thinks about this one before I put the Red-feather.
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Post by Fafmimbaki on Aug 16, 2005 19:03:09 GMT -5
oo oo! The Red Feather!!! Can't wait!
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Post by Frodo on Sept 2, 2005 19:49:37 GMT -5
I was told a similar story before the ordeal. I was told what was to happen to me, but I disregarded it, thinking it was a fairy tale. You know, even as you look at me now, it was not. I thought I was dreaming. Perhaps it would all pass away, and I would wake to the first rays of the sun, but that life was gone forever. So take heed, my melajan, my child, and listen.
* * *
Dawn broke.
The light was pooling, rippled like bloody lace over a soft grey pillowed sky. A thin stream, now a river of molten gold, ran murmuring to itself; trees overshadowed the brook, as gaunt hands clawing at the heavens before death’s cold breath stole over them. I sat alone, hugging my knees to my chest, leaning against the trunk of a hoary oak. I watched the crimson tracings in sky fade to pale pink, and then to nothing. The ageless grey remained same as ever, but it felt too close, as if I could reach out and stroke it. “He’s late,” I muttered half to myself. I shivered, and held my knees tighter. A leather satchel, hanging from a braided belt at my side was lightly sprinkled with pearly dew and it trickled away, shining like fairy tears. The scent of raw flesh rose from it. It was his treat. A soft Shhhh echoed. I sprang to my feet and pursued the welcomed sound, heart pounding. Following the stream northward, I ran full-sprint to the place I knew well: a clearing of trees, the grass richly green, and slightly mounded. He would alight there. I plunged through the underbrush, snapping branches as I went. I burst into the emptiness, the edge of the circle of trees, and gawked, like I had the first time. I always did. The stark beauty left memory fast, and no matter how realistically one could depict the scene, the real thing was truly breathtaking. He stood regally, head lifted high. The royal blue crest over his silver eyes reminded me of the crowns upon the heads of the kings of old. His talons, gleaming in the morning light had punctured the soft earth. More blue feathers – though not as bright as those lining his face – creased and folded over his muscular, horse-sized body like a cloak. “Zywenn!” I cried and rushed forward, gently stroking his scarlet-stained beak. He croaked something in return, and nuzzled my hand. Zywenn was a Gryphon, and my best friend. “It’s been long,” he said, humming in my mind. “Too long. You have grown, Kaetuo.” “I know,” I whispered. Kaetuo was his name for me. In the Gryphon’s language, it meant ‘maiden-friend’. I moved to caress the sapphire plumes, but he stirred, and drew away. His wings fluttered for a moment; whether in agitation or fear, I could not tell. I reached for him anyway, even when his unsheathed lion paws brushed against my bare feet. “What’s come over you?” I leaned my head into his, my own brown eyes imploring his grey ones. He looked away, refusing to hold me in his gaze. I released him, and his eyes remained downcast. “She’s dead,” he said quietly. “Tallenwy is dead.”
I was speechless for a moment. Dead. She was going to have melajane, children, too. Tallenwy was Zywenn’s mate, the only other Gryphon he knew. I hugged his neck, ruffling the feathers most unceremoniously. I could feel his grief; his unshed sorrow hung about his heart like thick, black shutters. I drew away from him, and cupped his jowls in my hands. “I’m so sorry,” I murmured hoarsely. I could not think of anything else to say. His head raised, and there was dim light in his silver eyes. “Ride with me,” he said. “The day has not awakened fully.” His voice, though low, was urgent and strained. I was confused, but I did not want to show it. I only wanted to ease his pain. And so I nodded.
Immediately, a brisk wind filled the clearing as he swept open his wings to their full length. The trees swayed in the sudden breeze. I clung to him, to keep myself from collapsing. “The red feather!” he commanded. “Collect it!”
Bewildered, I stumbled away from Zywenn. But I did as he said. Circling him once, twice, no, thrice, I saw the red feather; the quill hidden amongst the blue ones along his body. “I have found it,” I said, voice quavering. “Pluck it!” he said in the same tone. I did so, and the Gryphon did not flinch. “Bring it here.” Again, I obeyed. Questions rose in my mind; a hint of apprehension rose in my throat. Zywenn observed the feather. “Yes,” he said at last, “that is that one. Now – do exactly as I say.” “W-why?” My friend had grown fearsome. The respect and love I had for him now turned to panic. A terrible feeling churned in my gut. “Do exactly as I say,” he repeated. He placed a paw under my chin so I was forced to look into his stern gaze. “Look at me,” he said softly. “Look, and be comforted.”
I had no other choice. After a moment, the edges of my vision grew blurred, and dark. I was losing consciousness. But I could not fight it. Soon I was engulfed in a black world, with nothing to guide me.
I am soaring. The earth is a green carpet beneath me, the sea a churning blue gem. I can feel the wind’s embrace as it roars past me. The clouds separate like curtains: soft and warm as the bronze light streams through.
I am free of earth, of water. I command sky. I am noble, and strong; I am gentle and beautiful. I am a Gryphon.
My wings are my power; my eagle beak and lion claws my weapon. I am blood-thirsty, and fight those who oppose me to the finish. I rule many kingdoms, and set fear in the hearts of men. I am a Gryphon.
I awoke, sprawled and aching. I propped myself up onto my elbows, glancing around. I was on the outskirts of my village, and Zywenn was not in sight. At my hip, the leather satchel was empty of all horse-meat, but that was a good thing. He had probably been hungry. I got to my feet, groaning. My entire left side of my torso burned, and I put a hand to it. Even through the shirt, my skin was hot to the touch. I scurried away from the busy center of people, getting deep into the forest. Crouching behind a wide tree, I took off my shirt. There, on my rib cage, a red feather had been stained, tattooed into my skin. I am a Gryphon.
I understood instantly. I was no longer part of my village; I was to be Zywenn’s new mate. I was to bring up his new melajane, and teach them to fly, and teach them the ways of man. Everything about Tallenwy made sense now; the sympathetic way she addressed me. She had been a human maiden like me. I had no family at the village, only friends, but I would be forced to leave them behind, forget them, and become one of the sky. Quickly, I pulled my shirt back on. I was not sure why, because it wouldn’t be long before I’d be casting it off again. The empty satchel I kicked into the brush until I couldn’t see it anymore. I was ashamed of Zywenn now, and regretted ever giving him one ounce of any meat.
I stood up, hoping to see my home, my village, one last time before I became un-human. I had never liked it, but now, in my last moments in the girl skin, I found it remarkable and handsome. I wondered if Tallenwy was taken from her place like this.
My thoughts ceased as two lines of fire seeped down my back. Pain roared all over my body; my flesh crawled. I dropped to all fours, writhing in agony; my face lengthened, and my nose and mouth became one. The torment was too much and when the black world sought to envelope me, I gave in.
I am flying. I am no longer bound to the earth, and the sea. I am admiral of the air, and all in it. The wind is my only companion, whispering past me, as I soar through the stars. I am noble, and strong; I am gentle and beautiful. I am a Gryphon.
I am the silent killer in the clouds, the sigh before the shriek of death. I rejoice in the blood I have spilled, and I drink it like wine. I am a Gryphon.
“Kaetuo.”
The warm voice washed over me. I understood it but distantly I knew it was not in the common tongue I spoke. “Kaetuo, awake, arise.” I opened my eyes. Zywenn was stretched out lazily, as only lion bodies can do, and regarded me with a cool stare. I quickly sat up, retching in a nearby gorse bush. His tail flicked twice in disgust and annoyance. “You’ll feel better tomorrow,” he informed me, rolling onto his back, the tawny haunches framed against the setting sun for a moment. My stomach heaved again, but I did not vomit. I got upon all fours as bile threatened in my throat. I reached a pond surrounded with cattails, and drank from it, with my new mouth, scooping it up, and swallowing with a thin, black tongue. My reflection was strange. I had a lighter colored body than Zywenn’s; my feathers were a dark teal, my lion fur a cream. His eyes were silver, but mine were gold. I was smaller than him and more nimble. I turned away, afraid of what to think. I could not remember my human name. What had it been? Not Kaetuo. That was my new name. I could not remember what I looked like, or how it felt to have fingers. I now had velvet paws. For, I was a Gryphon.
* * *
That is my story. I grew from a shy maiden to a warrior. I killed Zywenn shortly thereafter, for his selfishness, for doing this to me.
And now my young listener, find my red feather.
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